Assertiveness – The Calm Sense of Communicating Positively!

How To Learn To Be Assertive

“Assertiveness is your ability to act in harmony with your self-esteem without hurting others” taken from

This week we are dealing with the topic of female assertiveness. In various aspects of our lives as women, we are often “labeled” just because of our gender. The opposite sex will automatically assume that when a woman is being assertive she is being aggressive, demanding, or competitive. In actuality, in the numerous roles that women face daily; it is imperative to be assertive. But how is one to be taken seriously without being viewed as “aggressive, difficult, complex,” or the worst term of all “bitchy?” With prosocial skills and body language yes my queens you can take your place while remaining heard, valued, and acknowledged. Assertiveness allows you to provide the best to those around you while also having your voice heard as well. Let’s take a look at the components of being assertive.

  1. Chin Up Sis! Body Language – Hold your head up high when talking to others; use eye contact. Show interest and understanding by nodding your head and using facial gestures that show that you not only understand the person’s point of view but can clarify and add to that point. Do not fold your arms in discomfort. Present the persona that you are confident, knowledgeable, and have a voice that should and will be heard.

2. Make direct statements and commands – When addressing people in your life, make direct statements. Do not be unsure about the requests that you are making. For example, if you want your children to do a,b, and c, state clearly that they are to do a,b,c. Leave no room for questions or lack of clarity. On the job, if you have a deadline to meet do not waiver from that deadline. Make a direct statement that leaves no question as to where your priorities are.

3. Show that you value other people’s opinions- Using language such as, ” I hear what you are saying,” and ” I value your opinion” are two assertive statements of language that can be used to demonstrate that you value other people’s opinions. This does not mean that you agree with their opinion however.

4. Step Away– Do not feel guilty if you need to step away for a minute to regroup. This can be in the career world, parenting, and in your relationship. Recognize that it is healthy to feel tired, anguished, overwhelmed, and yes even angry at times. Ensure that you are stepping away from the situation before your mindset transitions from being assertive to aggressive.

5. Don’t feed into the drama- It’s no secret that women are automatically judged as being difficult or unbearable when they express their opinions. Do not accept or condone being called or labeled as such. Stand up for yourself and assert yourself by stating that you will not be called names just because you do not agree with someone else’s opinion. That simply is not gender related.

6. Learn to be OK with saying no– It is OK to say no. You do not have to feel guilty or obligated to secure the needs of others

Now that we have the steps of being assertive; let’s look at a few scenarios. Determine how you would respond to each of the following situations.

Scenario #1

You find out your best friend took $20.00 from your purse without asking

Which solution would you choose?

A. You will be upset but decide that $20.00 is not that much and won’t address it.

B. You will tell her that as a friend she should have felt comfortable enough to talk to you; you would have given her the $20.00 willingly because that is what friends do for each other.

C. Cuss her out and block her out of your life forever. She can’t be a real friend if she’s stealing from a friend.

Which solution would you choose?

Scenario #2

After spending weeks preparing a presentation for work, you are shocked to learn that your co-worker saved the presentation to a USB, shared it to his computer, then claimed it as being his work.

Which solution would you choose?

A. I would ask for a meeting with the boss and confront the co-worker stating how I created the presentation and had worked on it for weeks.

B. I would get in the co-worker’s face, threaten him, and cuss him out.

C. I would do nothing; who would believe me anyway?

Scenario #3

It’s Valentine’s Weekend! You have planned the perfect getaway for you and your significant other. Upon telling your spouse the plans he/she responds by saying ” I don’t wanna go anywhere this weekend. Let’s just stay home.”

Which solution would you choose?

A. I would tell my significant other/spouse that’s OK and that we can take a trip some other time.

B. I would tell my significant other/spouse to kiss my whole butt and go on the weekend getaway by myself.

C. I would express to my significant other/spouse how much time was spent planning this romantic weekend. I then would explain how special it would be to just get away for a weekend and how it would benefit both of us as a couple.

Did you choose selections B, A, and C? These are the selections that demonstrate assertive communication strategies. If you did not select these choices, what led you to choose one of the other options? Did this exercise show that you were more passive, assertive or aggressive?

Now that I have your mind thinking…….I implore you to take this quiz on assertiveness. I would love to hear what you scored after taking the quiz. At the end of the quiz, you will receive a summary report detailing your assertiveness characteristics. I have shared my results as well.

As you can see I have scored a 78/100 on the assertiveness scale. I will address issues that are pertinent and relevant. When it comes to smaller issues such as deciding where to eat or an activity to do with family and friends, I am a bit passive. All in all, I do my best to respect others and show them that their values are important to me. But…..I do expect the same.

I hope that you will take 10 minutes to take this quiz. The findings may confirm or provide new revelations about yourself. And PLEASE write to me and let me know what your results were.

See you soon!

Meka Kelly

Published by Meka Kelly

Hello Queens and SuperWomen!! Welcome to my blog site! My name is Meka Kelly. I am excited you are here! Let me tell you a little bit about me and my WHY for this blog! I am a 40 something wife, mother of 2, a full time public servant school teacher, and I also tutor as well. My passion is to teach children to gain a love for literacy! This is my calling and I have been in education now for over 2 decades! My WHY for this blog is this: * Women serve in multiple roles - mother, professional, spouse, aunt, sister, daughter, niece, supporter * Women take on a LOT and it becomes overwhelming * Women hold in a lot and do not take time to self care * Women are the pillars and the structure for their families; often we do not focus on ourselves Because of these factors, I have come to realize through my own experiences that we as women need outlets. Here is a place for alacrity, positivity, self-reflection, and healing! I hope this blog will be beneficial to my queens and superwomen! Meka Kelly

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